I almost regret sending you that long message about the sad real stories that happened last week.
I just wanted to tell you I still care about you and in case something bad happens, you already know.
Like what the fuck?
Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck this.
I am so tired of feeling like you have this grip on me and you don’t even want to have this grip on me.
I’m so sick of this.
You never sent a reply so I guess that’s cool. I mean, there’s not one thing you wanna say to me in case something happens?
Damnit. I survived the largest typhoon in history and you never called or text to check up on me and see if I was alive?
My friend’s mom was shot last week. LAST WEEK. You know what else could happen? Maybe I could be gone in an instant.
You have NO idea how often I write about you, let alone THINK about you.
I’m just upset that I have spent all my time thinking about you and I doubt you ever thought about me since YOU stopped talking to me.
It’s so dumb. I’m so dumb.
I kept thinking that the anonymous who told me he could fall in love with me and not regret was you. I thought that anon was you. I hoped it was you. I really really hoped it was you trying to tell me that you care about me too.
I hoped so much. It wasn’t you after all, but someone else.
And speaking of someone else, he seemed like pretty cool guy until I find out that my fucking friend ADRIENNE follows him too.
Why am I so upset that she follows him? Well I don’t know. I mean almost every guy I’ve ever liked, she has some sort of aura to take them away from me.
First it was Justin. Then Ben. Then Klay and now this guy?
I am so done with all this shit.
I mean I don’t care about the Justin and Ben thing but my God Klay. Why Klay? It’s my fault I know it is but I am so tired of feeling like thisl.
I just wish things would get better.
I was 80% over you. Now I’m feeling like I’m at 60%.
All that progress, it was for nothing.
I don’t even know what to expect when you come here.
Oh God I can’t stop feeling this way I am too upset. I’m done with this.
but it still hurts every time i send you a message and it’s heartfelt and its full of all the things i’ve wanted to say
and i don’t get much feedback from you, if any.
i mean, it kinda stings.
but whatever. at least you know and that’s enough for me.
I wanted to have sex with you.
Actually, no not sex. Make love.
I don’t care how absolutely lame and corny it sounds for me to actually say that but yes, I wanted to make love with you.
I wanted you to have your body slowly and gently pressed up against mine.
We would take our time taking each other’s clothes off.
We would caress every inch of each other’s body.
I would try and taste every inch of yours.
I wanted you against me. I wanted every little bit of you against my body and I wanted you to feel me.
I wanted to feel you and I wanted to see you and I wanted you to see me and I wanted every bit of you.
I wanted the fireworks and the explosion and I want our murmurs and moans and I wanted to bite my lip before coming and I wanted you to shush my name softly into my ear before you came.
I remember the moment I told you I wanted to make love with you.
It’s so dumb, really it is.
It was after I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars and only then did I realize that if there was a time limit for us, one of the things I would love to spend that time was spend it with you by exchanging body heat.
I mean, now I don’t even know I love you. But its kinda crazy how bad I want you still.
I don’t want to have lustful feelings for you though. I want to love you and I want you to love me too.
Sometimes I think it’s not too late for us.
Maybe its over, for now but I think sometime in the future, we’ll get a chance and we’ll get the chance to know each other again and we can finally do what we always wanted to do.