I don’t know what came over me but I guess being in an LDR just really hurts.
I am so selfish for what I did that night but I hate to admit this but I don’t think I regret it.
What I regret is not telling you sooner.
When I crawled over to you on your parent’s bed and you look like you were tryna smother yourself with your pillow when you were actually sleeping, I don’t know what came over me.
I was feeling brave and I forgot what that once felt.
Blame the alcohol. Blame me.
Alcohol mixed with feelings was the concoction to bravery, and I was sober enough to know what I was doing, but not enough to stop.
I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t remember, wouldn’t recall what I was about to do. I figured, heck, if I’m under the alcohol’s spell, so are you.
It’s the next morning I realize that humans were not built the same.
I pulled the pillow away from your face and whispered,
"Hey, you’re not gonna remember any of this, will you?"
You groaned, mumbled a “mhmm” and it was a good enough answer to keep me going.
I asked again just to be extra sure, extra cautious cause I was treading deep waters. I received the same reply.
With my heart racing like a racetrack I said stuff I can’t entirely remember.
It went somewhere between, “Yeah, I guess you’re actually really cute and this is a pretty cool party” to “And I like you.”
Then I said some stuff like “why’d you have to be a drummer, he’s a drummer too. I’m not entirely sure how I feel right now” and I kicked you in the leg half pissed at myself and half pissed that you’re not actually awake to listen to me.
I had second thoughts whether or not to sleep next to you cause we were alone but I figured it’s best to leave the deep waters and leave you at your state.
I was afraid I was about to do something stupid if I stuck around you too long.
I had my fingers crossed that this will be one of those nights that I’ll be lucky enough to forget.
The thing is though, I didn’t.
While drinking, I had my phone and I always looked at the lock screen to see a picture of us together in case I forgot you were mine and I was yours.
I’m sorry but I forgot on purpose.
Just for that night.
The next morning, I woke up on the couch and see that guy passed out next to me and just a few of the other guys waking up. I checked the time and rushed upstairs to wake my friends up.
My only thought was “I have to leave now or else he’ll remember what happened.”
To my surprise we stayed longer than we should’ve and ended up having breakfast.
To my greater surprise, you spoke like you remember everything from last night cause you did.
During the times I was clearly under the alcoholic spell, I remember we were outside and people were staring at us. You held out your hand and I kept saying “you better not touch me” and you said “Okay, I won’t. Don’t you trust me?”
Reluctantly, I said no, but with your hand out towards me like that I took it as you lead me upstairs to your room. I kept saying again and again you better not be pulling something stupid. You better not pull an EJ on me cause that’s what feared the most.
I was afraid I’d just be another rumor circulating everyone’s mouths.
Before entering your room, just me barely making the doorway, I was happy to be holding your hand, happy enough to have done the stupid dancing spin cause that’s what I felt, stupid and happy. I twirled before you like we were dance partners and then you told me to go to bed and I resisted only after awhile.
And that’s what I like about you.
Monday during our lab, anyone who went to your house just kept talking about it. I was disappointed because I thought we had a rule about “whatever happened in Anonas, stays at Anonas.”
I thought wrong.
Throughout the day, I kept looking at you and avoiding you at the same time. I was afraid to look at your eyes because I could only recall just about everything that night and I feared you remembered more than I did.
I felt the guilt hanging around my neck like a noose, especially when my darling texted me, “You didn’t do anything I wouldn’t approve, right?” and when he sent that text, I could only imagine the sad look on his face if he was there in that room with us, me spilling out my feelings to you while he was in the dark corner of the room, just watching us.
I had to ask you, I had to know if you remember everything. To my grateful surprise, the only thing that circulated about me was how angry and pissed I was and the part where I slapped you in the face (not like it was a hard slap you pussy).
We had our moment alone so I asked you:
"Hey dude, everyone’s talking about how loud you were crying when I slapped you in the face. I didn’t hurt you, did I?" I played me the best I could. I feigned ignorance.
You laughed and said that you were okay and that we were good.
I asked you, “Hey, do you remember everything that night?” and you said yeah.
You gave me a look like I already knew the answer without having to ask you. You remember it, you remember more than I do.
What I hate most about myself when I asked was how relieved I was when you told me you remembered.
I gave you a nod and walked away.
It’s been a few days since that night and the guilt slowly lifted but I still feel it hanging.
Sometimes I wonder if my darling knows something’s up. I partly want him to know. I partly want him to ask.
But the rest of me just wants to put my feelings to an end, with everything.
I wanna thank you though for remembering and not being a dick about it. I’ve had my fair share of dumb crushes and it’s just me that ends up being dumb while everyone else feigns ignorance harder than me and then leave me behind.
I like how you don’t bring it up, but you and I have this code where we both know what happened but we shouldn’t talk about it.
I like how you’re not feigning ignorance like me. I like how you know and I am mad at myself that I like that about you.
That night should’ve been full of regrets, but it wasn’t.
It was something else.